Gum Mag . Com

It’s now day 70 of your adventure.  You just missed another 3-day weekend because you don’t see the point in celebrating another day off from a job you do not have.  Plus, traffic.

Last week, on your way home from hiking, you saw a gas station advertising fuel for $1.45 a gallon and almost did a U-turn in the middle of the street to save a few dollars. Then you noticed that the 76 on Hollywood Boulevard was roped off for filming.  Probably a period piece set in the mid-90’s.  Oh the ‘90s! If only you weren’t stuck in school the whole time, not learning how to build a business model for a crap dot com that you could have sold before the bottom dropped out!  People would have been really interested in watching streaming videos of dogs playing on the beach, right?!  Kittens?

You’ve had a number of phone interviews, one in-person nightmare and one “audition.”  You learn that the one position that you would have consider relocating for was filled internally and are secretly relieved because their content sucked and who would want to work near the beach… especially in the summer.

The Diarist

You get a rejection email from your former place of employment after you sucked up your pride and actually applied for the recipe / coupons producer position.  Apparently, despite the fact that you know their content management system, there were more qualified applicants in the pool.  You scream “Fuck you” loud enough at your computer to reach North Hollywood.  Classy hand gestures are also made in their general direction, though you’re pretty sure the mountains are blocking *that* rage.

Nothing serious or honestly hopeful has taken place in these 70 days, minus the daily spam offering you an exciting opportunity to sell insurance and/or work in the field of hi-tech.  Opportunity. Hi-tech. Insurance. Do these concepts even exist anymore? Can you really make money with a company that deals exclusively in overused corporate jargon and catchphrases? And if so, what steps do you need to take to copyright your brand of depression, self-doubt and crushing despair?  The concept of making videos of puppies playing on the beach sounds more profitable. Too bad venture capitalists are as easy to find as a unicorn.

Your dad tells you to consider the ever-expanding world of home appliance repair and suggests you carry a gun for protection.  You’re honestly not sure if he’s making a joke.

You peruse Craigslist for under-the-table gigs that would help you make ends meet, only to learn that Carson Daly is no longer paying his audience members and your eggs would be worth up to $15,000 – if you were under 30. And Jewish.  Apparently the eggs of a naturally blonde writer with an exceptionally high IQ are worthless. (Unless they’re not… interested parties should email me at info@lizzwestman.com.) You’d look into the UCLA study on depression and/or weight loss, but worked in the news long enough to know better than to take experimental pills.

Your lawyer friend suggests that with your recent upgrade to “Shark” on Facebook’s Texas Hold ‘Em poker game, you should try the real tables.  Somehow the fact that you cannot afford to lose 50 cents – let alone $50 – has escaped him.  You’re also awesome at Lil’ Green Patch, but no one has suggested that you become a landscape architect.

You talk to your building manager about ways to lower your rent. He suggests talking to the owner, who laughs at your suggestion of $1200.  He counters with $1295 and a year-long lease.  If you signed, you’d save $15 a month.

Just for fun, you look at real estate in other cities.  Portland has a bevy of 1-bedrooms for less than $1,000. If you lived there you could sell your car and bike everywhere.  Meet literate boys that spend less time on hair than you and enjoy hiking for nature, not networking.  Drink microbrews at microbreweries.  Kayak.  Make rent AND car payments AND cable AND phone. Plus, you’ve been told you’d rank as a “9” there.  (No model-slash-actress-slash-personal trainers-slash-hookers to bring you down.) Oh, but they have one of the highest unemployment rates in the country.  And, if you were going to run, you should have done it straight away – not when you’re dwindling on your last dime.

You go back to the drawing board and pour yet another glass of wine.

–Lizz Westman