Dearest Invertina,

My husband and I have recently moved into a new apartment.  I found at a flea market a rather elegant Japanese bench with shelves underneath to store shoes.  I thought I’d have our guests remove their shoes upon entering our apartment and leave them under the bench.  (NY is a filthy city and who knows what people walk in)

My husband thinks it pretentious to ask guests to remove their shoes in America.

What do you think?

-Tidy in Tribeca

Dearest Tidy,

NY is an international city, so domestic practices from anywhere in the world that don’t violate NYC misdemeanor or felony guidelines are perfectly acceptable.

As long as you tell your guests before they dress to enter your apartment that they will be removing their shoes upon arrival, you can ask them to with impunity.

(Any guest who declines an invitation for fear of removing his shoes is being kind)

Dearest Invertina,

I’m a 23-year-old lesbian.  My girlfriend of ten years has just left me.  Friends insist I get a cat.

What do you think?

-Weeping in Williamsburg

Dearest Weeping,

DO NOT GET A CAT.

(This is almost too hot a topic for Invertina to handle.  I know there are plenty of people who find great comfort in seemingly devoted, utterly dependent, adorable little pets to project onto, but they are dirty and environmentally irresponsible.  Not to mention there are human animals all over the planet that could eat and be housed and educated with what we first world folk spend on pet maintenance.

There I’ve said it.

Lose your minds.)

You will eventually get over the loss of your loved one and replace her with a similar make and model, maybe even from the pool of Gomorrahans now suggesting said cat.

Invertina is aware that the following isn’t popular advice in certain circles but:

Why not give dick another try?

Dearest Invertina,

My husband has told me to pick a play to see for our anniversary.

What do you think?

-Dilettante in Dyker Heights

Dearest Dilettante,

Billy Elliot is the best show this faggot has ever seen.

Ever.

If you’d rather see a non-musical (I normally would) this spring has some of the best offerings of any Broadway season in recent history.

My top play pick? God of Carnage

Send your questions for Trust the Faggot to gumeditor@gmail.com