Gum Mag . Com

Reasons you should Stay There instead of Failing Here.

1) The Summer
There’s a reason half of New York leaves during the July and August swelter period, it’s mostly because the city is a reeking pile of urine-baked concrete for the entire summer season. And don’t forget the permanently summering drunken frat boy pee and vomit in the downtown drinking areas, plastered onto the sidewalks and lingering in the air of most bars and restaurants — especially the ones you’ll be able to afford.

2) The Defecation
Most long-time New Yorkers have given up on human companionship and settled for a dog, which they parade around urinating and pooping in public spaces. When you see a doggie owner reach down to handle their canine’s feces with whatever other trash they’ve managed to pick up as a little shield, you’re in for a revelation: New Yorkers are very very comfortable with shit. Because it’s all around us. Everywhere. Baked in.

3) Your Basement Apartment
A very long time ago on not very East 13th street, on a block known for its crack opportunities and a dozen boarded-up apartment buildings, I lived in a little basement apartment that was lovely but had a little earthy smell in the hallway and under the steps of the building. I attributed it to the subterranean nature of the apartment. It wasn’t too bad. Until one day, when I realized the smell was coming from my neighbor’s apartment. Her door was open and six or so men in white body suits were carrying dead dog carcasses out of her apartment. I asked what was going on. The men were from the NYC Dept of Health. There were 13 dead dogs in there. Some were in the freezer. There hadn’t been any eating, thank you. And then there she was, my neighbor, sitting on the stoop, in a housecoat, probably 65 years old, and she mumbles to me “It wasn’t you, was it? it was C, she hates me.” I went to work, unable to answer her question. But I did know this: Stay in a New York basement too long, too alone, and that was me. Or anyone. Thirteen.

4) The New New Yorker Industry
In poker, the weakest player is identified as a mark. They’re a target for other players to pad their stack to later take out the stronger players. Hey, the moment you step foot in this town to live here, that’s you! Welcome to spending half your cash on rent for a horrible apartment with headaches your head cannot imagine, and spending the other half at bars to forget how miserable you are. And once you start talking to the people in the bars, you can look forward to meeting the person who will make your life unlivable in three months! Neighborhoods like Williamsburg are literally a cottage industy serving hopeful, open-faced midwestern immigrants. The Burg is a revolving door of creative types who are blissfully ignorant of the actual New York economy. Whatever money your parents gave you or worse, you earned, will quickly disappear into the pockets of people who actually own this town. No one will tell you that you can’t get a job in this town as a dirty boy with long hair who smells like pot. And no one, trust me, wants to see — or buy, for chrissakes — your art. If you’re hot, though, this town is your oyster. See you on Craigslist!

5) New York Taxes
Whatever horrible wage you’re earning at your job as essentially a volunteer for a web site or publishing house is going to be divided in half by federal, state and local taxes. And you’ll see almost nothing in return. New York receives a pittance of federal spending compared per capita to sparsely populated Western states. Whatever federal spending comes to your new state flows up north, where the republicans live. And to the million or so New Yorkers who live here, in elevator buildings in better neighborhoods than you’ll ever live, who are pretty much entirely subsidized. Granted their lives suck, and they have been given a raw deal, but honestly, they’re a little better off than you. And they get to be high ALL DAY, every day, on your dime. But they’re here before you, and that’s the lesson here. Anyone here before you has it better. At least you can get a library card. That’s what’s included: The library. That and all the methadone you’ll need, later on.

6) Your Family
Your friends are just alcoholics who need you to drink with so they’re not drunk alone. Your family, on the other hand, has given you life, your issues, and a lot of love. Stay with them! You belong there. If you get a haircut, they’ll hook you up with a job and a house with a yard. You can raise a family in a few years. Where you’re coming from, third grade is free and not $45,000! You can’t raise a regular child in New York without literally a half million of income, which you will not be pulling in. Ever.

7) Nature
Do you like flowers and trees? Yes, you do. And we don’t have those. Yes, there are parks in the city. Central park is beautiful! But you won’t be living within an hour commute of it, so just forget about it now. Where you’ll be living, there are literally “No Singles” rules in some parks. You can’t go those at all, and areas of others, because the city is afraid you’ll molest the children. The natural beauty of a tree budding in spring, flowers blooming in the sun, and the smell of grass come as seasonal surprises to New Yorkers when they attend a funeral in New Jersey.

–Andy Brooks