Reasons you should Stay There instead of Failing Here.
1) The Summer
There’s a reason half of New York leaves during the July and August swelter period, it’s mostly because the city is a reeking pile of urine-baked concrete for the entire summer season. And don’t forget the permanently summering drunken frat boy pee and vomit in the downtown drinking areas, plastered onto the sidewalks and lingering in the air of most bars and restaurants — especially the ones you’ll be able to afford.
2) The Defecation
Most long-time New Yorkers have given up on human companionship and settled for a dog, which they parade around urinating and pooping in public spaces. When you see a doggie owner reach down to handle their canine’s feces with whatever other trash they’ve managed to pick up as a little shield, you’re in for a revelation: New Yorkers are very very comfortable with shit. Because it’s all around us. Everywhere. Baked in.
3) Your Basement Apartment
A very long time ago on not very East 13th street, on a block known for its crack opportunities and a dozen boarded-up apartment buildings, I lived in a little basement apartment that was lovely but had a little earthy smell in the hallway and under the steps of the building. I attributed it to the subterranean nature of the apartment. It wasn’t too bad. Until one day, when I realized the smell was coming from my neighbor’s apartment. Her door was open and six or so men in white body suits were carrying dead dog carcasses out of her apartment. I asked what was going on. The men were from the NYC Dept of Health. There were 13 dead dogs in there. Some were in the freezer. There hadn’t been any eating, thank you. And then there she was, my neighbor, sitting on the stoop, in a housecoat, probably 65 years old, and she mumbles to me “It wasn’t you, was it? it was C, she hates me.” I went to work, unable to answer her question. But I did know this: Stay in a New York basement too long, too alone, and that was me. Or anyone. Thirteen.
4) The New New Yorker Industry
In poker, the weakest player is identified as a mark. They’re a target for other players to pad their stack to later take out the stronger players. Hey, the moment you step foot in this town to live here, that’s you! Welcome to spending half your cash on rent for a horrible apartment with headaches your head cannot imagine, and spending the other half at bars to forget how miserable you are. And once you start talking to the people in the bars, you can look forward to meeting the person who will make your life unlivable in three months! Neighborhoods like Williamsburg are literally a cottage industy serving hopeful, open-faced midwestern immigrants. The Burg is a revolving door of creative types who are blissfully ignorant of the actual New York economy. Whatever money your parents gave you or worse, you earned, will quickly disappear into the pockets of people who actually own this town. No one will tell you that you can’t get a job in this town as a dirty boy with long hair who smells like pot. And no one, trust me, wants to see — or buy, for chrissakes — your art. If you’re hot, though, this town is your oyster. See you on Craigslist!
5) New York Taxes
Whatever horrible wage you’re earning at your job as essentially a volunteer for a web site or publishing house is going to be divided in half by federal, state and local taxes. And you’ll see almost nothing in return. New York receives a pittance of federal spending compared per capita to sparsely populated Western states. Whatever federal spending comes to your new state flows up north, where the republicans live. And to the million or so New Yorkers who live here, in elevator buildings in better neighborhoods than you’ll ever live, who are pretty much entirely subsidized. Granted their lives suck, and they have been given a raw deal, but honestly, they’re a little better off than you. And they get to be high ALL DAY, every day, on your dime. But they’re here before you, and that’s the lesson here. Anyone here before you has it better. At least you can get a library card. That’s what’s included: The library. That and all the methadone you’ll need, later on.
6) Your Family
Your friends are just alcoholics who need you to drink with so they’re not drunk alone. Your family, on the other hand, has given you life, your issues, and a lot of love. Stay with them! You belong there. If you get a haircut, they’ll hook you up with a job and a house with a yard. You can raise a family in a few years. Where you’re coming from, third grade is free and not $45,000! You can’t raise a regular child in New York without literally a half million of income, which you will not be pulling in. Ever.
7) Nature
Do you like flowers and trees? Yes, you do. And we don’t have those. Yes, there are parks in the city. Central park is beautiful! But you won’t be living within an hour commute of it, so just forget about it now. Where you’ll be living, there are literally “No Singles” rules in some parks. You can’t go those at all, and areas of others, because the city is afraid you’ll molest the children. The natural beauty of a tree budding in spring, flowers blooming in the sun, and the smell of grass come as seasonal surprises to New Yorkers when they attend a funeral in New Jersey.
–Andy Brooks
Andy Brooks
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7 Comments
May 20, 2009 at 3:46 am
Reasons to Fail There Instead of Failing Here…
1. NYC is full of incredibly attractive people who drop it like its hot, shake it like a polaroid picture and leave me with the feeling of regret for not having put on enough hair product before going out. Damn! I could use more product. Damn! Why aren’t there any hot people here in Portland?…
2. Just like the song says…If you can fail there, you can fail anywhere.
3. Failure is only good if you do it big. NYC is pretty big. I can picture myself failing on Broadway or even the NYSE…I’d be shoulder to shoulder with some of the biggest failures ever.
4. I hear in NYC the streets are paved with the broken dreams of lost souls, drug addicts, Stock brokers and tv producers. And the food is good.
5. If you go to NYC and fail and then go back home, people will be in awe and buy you a drink. If you fail at home they just shake their head and ask you if you want to date their sister who has three kids and bad case of Ichthyosis Vulgaris.
November 20, 2009 at 11:33 pm
NYC while very beautiful in places it can be very daunting and extremely depressing. Most native New Yorkers are genuinely nice people who are just trying to live thier lives. Then theres the brick wall of Beauracracy that is city Government. Most New Yorker don’t own cars and I know why parking and parking tickets. I’m a native North Carolinian I can’t function without my car. Unfortunately tickets kill me everytime. I’ve been towed and towed again. I still mildly like and loath NYC. It’s amazing that when you have a theft a cop can’t be found but the city sheriff can manage to impound your vehicle on a weekend night! That’s New York! It’s beautiful, angry and a mess! There is nothing compassionate or caring about this city. People here are not only self absorbed but very vocal and loud about it. The passive get eaten alive while the aggressive get rewarded for bad behavior. It’s crazy! I have lived in NY for 8 yrs now. I use to really hate it now I think I’m tolerating it a little more.Accept this city for what it is not for what you fantasize it to be. I am just realizing that to live in this center of commerce and art this is the price of admission. Love or hate it , it cost to live here. Just don’t lose your sense of humor. Laugh at the obsurdity of this big loud unforgiving city. Love it or loath it, boring it ain’t!
March 2, 2010 at 10:39 am
“Wahhh! Wahhh! I’m Andy Brooks. Life isn’t what I thought it was at 22. Instead of trying to improve my city I’ll just rant on-line in hope that other malcontents will chime in.” Mr. Brooks, had you considered that maybe New York would be a better place without you?
July 3, 2010 at 1:33 pm
Could not agree more. I hate this over-hyped city and to make matters worse, I live in Brooklyn. Talk about filth. I pray for rain here as that is the only time the streets get some sort of cleaning. I don’t think that it rained here at all this June. I am here because of my elderly dad, butIi do not know how much longer I can tolerate this stinking, God forsaken hell hole. The Pacific Northwest is calling my name. BTW…Brooklyn has the most people with the least trees and green space. This place sucks royally!!!
July 7, 2010 at 9:55 am
Buyer beware! This is the worst state in America for the cost of living!! I moved here from the Midwest with dreams of grander to better our lives for my daughter and myself, my livelihood, income, excitement. etc. Thus far all of my dreams have become endless nightmares! This state is full of nasty, impatient, rude, spoiled rotten people. The F bomb is their 2nd language, which everyone speaks very fluently, including all the foreigners which are just as nasty as well. The traffic everywhere is congested with impatient drivers full of road rage due to the fact it takes you forever to get anywhere…which is also due to the congestion and endless traffic lights on every corner. Oh, and plan to pay $3 a gallon for the gas your burning while sitting stagnant on the overcrowded highways and streets! Yes, they also have mass transit but plan on sitting, or better yet standing on a bus or train with the all their masses of smelly people up in your face. That ride as well will cost you $2.50 per stop, even if it’s 2 miles to your destination. Rent..well I pay $1,100 plus utilities for an average ONE BEDROOM apartment with no amenities. I DO NOT live in Manhattan but on a small suburb which will also cost you $11 per day just to get over the bridge to travel to lager the areas for the so called fun and better jobs. If you decide to work in Jersey ( just over the other bridge) it’s an $8 bridge toll, but then (both) NY and NJ will make you pay them income tax on that $ too! If your a smoker, plan on supporting your habit with $13 a pack. If your not a smoker, you will be, just to calm your nerves to get through the hustle and bustle of day. So why don’t I move you ask…Because can’t save any $ here to do that!! I make $20 an hour before NY taxes. Not bad $ any where else, but not near enough in NY to call it good $ by any means or standards! I’m a single mother of 1 teenage daughter…after paying rent, utilities, a car payment (2009 Civic) insurance, groceries, gas, tolls, etc, who has a dime left to save for moving? I feel like I am trapped here , and I can’t get out! I’m beginning to wonder if that’s why the population here is so out of control, perhaps we’re ALL trapped here? As Frank Sinatra once sang..”If you can make it there, I can make it any where in old New York, Neeeewwww Yorrrrrk!”…..
PS…. he wasn’t lying folks!
July 20, 2010 at 11:21 am
Yea, “Oh, and plan to pay $3 a gallon for the gas your burning while sitting stagnant on the overcrowded highways and streets!” ? You’re definitely not a NYer babe, and never will be. You sound like you’re writing a review about living in LA for godsakes.
Once you transplants who are used to free-moving interstate highways and state routes to get everywhere realize that even the execs make use of the subways, I think you’ll be much happier. Until then, look into NJ or Westchester – your daughter will be a lot happier.
July 20, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. NY can be a very unforgiving place, but I agree that switching from driving to subways is a good first step. Yes, some subway cars are dirty or have no A/C, but most are OK. If you find yourself in a particular horrible one, switch to a different one at the next stop. I’ve done that several times.
If you absolutely cannot live without a car, then Jersey City is not a bad option. I lived there for over 20 years and while the cost of living is high, it is still more affordable than NYC (especially groceries, stores, etc.)